Courage

Does anyone else find they are missing a bit of this?

Do you see it in yourself sometimes that you are not be true to yourself?

I do.

Right now actually.

I find it a struggle to be honest with myself. Bit of a flaw actually. Like I can feel this niggling doubt or something in myself, like fear.

Fear is awful.

I hate fear. Damn you fear!

What am I afraid of? Hmmm...

Failure for one.

You know how people say that the flaws you hate about yourself (but won't admit to usually) are the ones you hate in others? Probably has something to do with attraction- that we are attracted to that which we do not possess, therefore it makes sense that we dislike in others what is a reflection of ourselves.

I do this. Weakness and self doubt. I do it. Ugh. I hate that I am saying it. I try not to let myself feel it, but it's there. I should probably be tackling it.

I have only recently be letting myself explore a part of myself, the part that knows I'm supposed to be doing more than sitting in an office cubicle staring at numbers, that part that has been hiding in me since I was a child.

My creative self.

I'm no artist, not with paints, or brushes, or a camera, nor with fabric or graphics.

I like to write, most of you know this. I have been letting my heart out onto paper (and screen) for a while now. The other part of me wants to perform. Yes, like an actor. Why is it so hard for me to say it?

You know what I love about writing and acting, well about any of the arts- the way it communicates to people. It connects; the arts take people away from reality and let them experience things outside of their own world. Whether it be a look into the future or the past, into the heart and soul, into the mythological and hereafter. Helping people Feel.

It's honest.

If I want to be apart of that, I have to be honest with myself first. If I'm not true to myself, how can I ever expect to bring the truth to anyone else?

Wow it's been a while!

I can't believe I have been gone for so long! Three months! It has been a crazy few months but I'm really glad to be writing this. It feels like things do when you see an old friend, or pick up your favourite book- like it doesn't matter how much time passes, when you see them or read that book or play that instrument it is like no time has passed and you are home!

Now first I will say that although I have been busy, I have also been procrastinating too. Not in the way where I am aware of it and feel guilty, but in a more freeing way I have actually been a little selfish- reading a lot, watching telly, started going to the gym, and letting myself feel where I want my life to take me, rather than feeling forced into doing something until I "get a chance" to do something else. It has made me happier about my day-job, which, lets face it, pays the bills, while I am letting my heart know that in little ways I can express myself and move closer to doing something for a living that I am passionate about.

Anyway! Two of my glorious delights that I have been soaking up like sweet wine are the TV series "Supernatural" and the Laurell K Hamilton "Merry Gentry" series of books. I have mentioned before how much I love her books and I am just so into them right now. I have never been much of a "supernatural/fantasy" kind of reader/watcher before, but I am TOTALLY into this scene right now! I've always been a chick flick/lit kinda girl, but I started watching supernatural and have loved the Merry Gentry books for ages, so I have been immersed in all this mythological, old world stuff round the clock. It has certainly had an impact on my dreams.

As I was drifting off to sleep I was thinking about something in the current Merry Gentry book I am reading about young psychics who are coached in their abilities to develop them, and my mind was wandering through thoughts about how awesome it would be if the real world (that I know about) was like that. I mean what if people identified these talented little people and instead of taking them to psychologists and putting them on drugs, actually took them to a kind of school where they could develop their abilities and use them for good (the characters like this in Merry Gentry series use their abilities to solve crimes). Maybe somewhere they do...

Now I'm not saying I do believe or don't believe in the psychic world, as I've neither experienced anything for myself nor known anyone who claims to have these abilities, I was just in that place between awake and asleep where I mused that if only the people in this world weren't afraid of what they cannot see or experience themselves that it would be a wonderful thing.

It all comes down to fear I suppose. I mean, I am a little afraid of that world being true as it is a scary and unknown thing. A little, ha, okay yes, a paranormal world puts fear in me as I don't know it to be true. But it could be.

I am glad for this little divergence as I feel it is opening my imagination a little more, letting more creativity and possibility into my soul. So despite my absence, that's gotta be a good thing right?