Okay woman: FOCUS!!!

SO. We all know focus is essential to being able to most efficiently carry-out almost any task that requires any kind of brain function.

What it "focus"?

Macquarie (dictionary) tells me that focus... well it's telling me a few things... wait while I scan to see what is relevant...

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Sorry, had to top up my wine, now where was I? Yes, right: FOCUS.

Focus is a central point, as of attraction, attention or activity: to concentrate.

Why am I babbling on about focus? Well it seems we all either need to focus or are focusing at this very moment. On reading as quickly as possible before the boss notices and we need to minimise the screen, on twittering just long enough to not burn dinner, on pushing through the last k (kilometre for those non-aussie's reading) on the treadmill before collapsing in our own sweat, on editing one. more. friggin. chapter. of the novel that will be the death of me never end!!!

On Monday night just past, I attended the first night of a once-a-week for ten-weeks acting workshop. The workshop is going through the basic principles and is also good for non-actors: people who perhaps need to build confidence, people who need help with public speaking, and even those just looking for something new to do.

I'm thinking that whether I actually try to get into acting or stick with writing (I don't think the writing will be leaving me in either case), that having a knowledge of acting, and the film and television industry will be a nice bit of experience to have. I am very interested in screenwriting, (actually I took a workshop on that over the weekend with NIDA, but that's another story) so it can't hurt.

Anyway! Back to the focus thing. (Are we sensing a pattern?)

So we were doing these games that involve everyone standing in a circle, in silence for a few moments (to get ourselves focused of course) before the games would start. The games themselves were designed to help our brains get snapping.

So what did my brain do? MY brain? My brain decided it would be a good idea to giggle while everyone was silent. It decided to smile like a moron throughout the whole game, freeze and go blank when actual on-the-spot thinking was required, and be generally afraid of any unique thinking what-so-ever.

The shame.

I was actually singled out at one point (not in a mean way I'll will admit) and told I needed to control my giggles. Suddenly flashbacks of every single teacher throughout my entire school life came flooding through my head; visions of me being told me stop talking, stop laughing, be quiet, pay attention, streamed in in angry red flashes. Memories of me laughing and ignoring every death-stare the teachers gave me, living up to the whole I-don't-give-a-shit label in a weed-enhanced daze. And for the first time in my life, I'm doing something I actually CARE about, something I have been wanting to do since I was a child, and my natural reflex is actually coming to bite me in the arse!

I was always told that it would and it has. I wasn't being naughty or anything in my class, I just couldn't control my giggles. The instructor asked me "Is it because you're shy or something?". I "pffft" and said "Nah, I don't think I'm shy." But of course, as strange experiences like this will do, I started to question myself and my behaviour.

When I did a casting workshop late last year, I found that I don't like being put on the spot, blood rushed to my ears so I couldn't hear, I sweat buckets in 2-seconds flat, and I almost threw up when having to read one line, I freaked about trying to remember the line and just didn't want to screw it up! My heart was pounding so hard, I swear I'd gone deaf and felt...just awful.

Now, to understand why I'm thinking about this whole shy thing, you need to know that I'm loud. And I speak my mind. I actually can come off as a bit "intimidating" and rough round the edges. And I like to have a laugh and be funny.

It's just occurring to me that perhaps I like to MAKE the laughs so I'm not laughed AT. It makes sense- when I'm re-telling a story I pause and make hand-gestures and play with the tone of my voice so that whoever I'm telling the story to is laughing, even if I'm not. I guess maybe nothing is so bad if you can laugh at it.

I even smile when I get in trouble, or if I'm arguing, or if I find out horrible news. I always have to cover my mouth to hide the smile. I'm not actually happy, it's just a reaction.

I'm a freak.

So my giggling is not just a distraction to myself, (as my mind was drifting off thinking how happy I was or "focusing" on not smiling instead of on the class) but can also inpact on the focus my class mates were so wonderfully building. Very bad mo-jo. I don't even know why it was amusing!

Is it a defense mechanism thing? It's like instead I've throwing myself into something and then failing and looking like a douchebag, I screw it up from the start almost deliberately so instead of failing I'm just that girl who giggles and doesn't take things seriously.

Result: I will never grow, never learn and never be taken seriously myself.

Oh this is so heavy.

So can I change my self-destructive behaviour? Can I show on the outside how serious I am on the inside? Can I find the courage to allow myself to look like a fool instead of acting like a fool?

I hope so.

We all need to focus on one thing or another, what gets in the way of your focus? Do you have any tricks to get your mind into the right headspace? If you have any pearls of wisdom, this confused wanker-woman would love to hear them! And if you are just like me (my god I hope someone is!) then rest assured you are not alone, and maybe one day we will find the key to our inner-focus.