When something doesn't seem to be working I usually just stop doing it. Whatever it is. If it seems too hard or I become blocked, or if I'm losing control or it seems like I will fail at it, I run away.
I blame things. Instead of having a look at why it's not working. I just run away.
I'm guessing this is not really healthy, not really the way I should be travelling. I am going to be running forever.
Perhaps I need to reassess WHY something is not going the way I envisioned. Life is not predictable, and the way we move through it is no more easy to predict than... well, where it will end up. It is also hard to work out if life is going the way I expected when I haven't set myself goals to measure it by. I always thought I would do something great, something of importance, even if that importance is only to myself, and I feel like I'm failing but I haven't given myself a real dream to guide myself with.
I think I'm getting sidetracked here (surprise surprise). The past few months have been a time of reflection and revelation, but only in spurts. Only when I allow myself to look hard at myself instead of distracting myself with frivolity and company. Spending time alone allows one to really let in the thoughts and feelings in their heart and contemplate them.
Perhaps it is time to start again. But not something new, to reassess the old. Instead of jumping to something new without contemplating the past and understanding why it didn't work. The way I am starting to see things is that I will never succeed if I don't learn from my mistakes. Well that is certainly a cliche, but cliche's were born of innate truth. Something so common and true that it applies to almost everyone.
I need to stop running and jumping, and go back and face those demons. My failures. It is better to fail at something than succeed at nothing they say, but I feel that I have been failing at nothing because nothing gets finished.
One way I have decided to do this is to finally after a year of procrastination, go back to my old manuscript. I got half way, felt a block and stopped. I have updated all my old software, and reopened the old work. But I have also decided to open up a blank new page and recreate it. It is going to take time yes, but instead of scrapping the whole thing, I'm going to take a new approach. Rework it. I love the ideas in it, I love the story but it needs a fresh new take. I think I am even going to rewrite the whole thing from a different POV.
I'm going to learn from my mistakes, I'm going to try again, I have hope that I can make it. So I am going to add a new counter to my blog, the "Work in progress - take two."
Wish me luck :)
P.S Happy New Year!
